If Sen. Larry Craig wants people to believe he's not gay, he's going to need a better PR tack than he took this week. He just gave us a lot of talk, and it was pretty standard fare for a politician mired in a sex scandal.

To save his career, he is going to have to turn up the rhetoric to unheard of heights, and he is going to have to match a few deeds to his words. His news conference should have been something like this:

The senator appears at the podium with each of his arms wrapped around a Hooters waitress. His tearful wife is off to his side. He begins to speak.

"My fellow Idahoans, I AM NOT GAY. Nor have I ever been. Yet recent reports have forced me to come forward and in unsparing detail discuss my sexual orientation. So let me say this clearly and proudly: I ... love ... women. From the spherical splendor of a nice firm rack (here he looks down the cleavage of each Hooters girl, and they giggle) to the glorious curve of a taut, toned fanny, from the suppleness of their thighs to the softness of their hair, I love women. And, my fellow citizens, that desire grips me like a force of nature. So I have crossed this state for much of my career, sating that desire. My fellow Idahoans, I am a veritable geyser of heterosexual activity. I have spread my seed far and wide among many women. A farm girl in Orofino. A school teacher in Twin Falls. A dominatrix in Boise. They are just a few of the many women (his wife's sobs reach near wails at this point) I have pleasured in my manly way. Is this commendable? Not really. But it is who I am. And so I say to my wife, and to you my fellow citizens, with a sincere heart: Sometimes I wish I were less of a man; that way I could be true to my wife's good loving without being false to myself. (His wife shouts, 'You bedswerving rat-bastard!') And so let me conclude by -- (here one of his male aides comes up from behind and taps him on the shoulder) WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING BACK THERE?! ARE YOU TRYING TO NAIL ME?! (Craig decks the aide) I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN ANY MAN TRIES TO SNEAK UP BEHIND ME! (Composes himself; the aide rolls on the stage, hands covering his bloodied face) Let me conclude by saying that not only am I not gay, I just might be happiest when I am kicking some dude's ass."

This is strong medicine, no doubt. But it just might be the only prescription that can revive Craig's political career.