EMPLOYEE REVIEW
My annual employee review resembles nothing so much as a law school lesson about conflicting eyewitness accounts. My boss and I sit not 10 feet from each other, so we both have an upclose view of how I work. Yet whereas I see heroic, selfless toil against long odds, my boss sees, well, a crime. It's almost like he sees a thief who keeps robbing the same kindly Mom-and-Pop corner grocer and complains about declining work ethic when the till is a little light.
Sadly, nothing seems to have changed in the past year. I was able to steal a copy of his evaluation of my work. Read on to find out what kind of hole I have dug for myself.
Attitude toward work
Attendance -- Outstanding. But he knows I have licensed bounty hunters who will track him down and deliver him to me trussed up like a Christmas turkey if needs be.
Enthusiasm -- As good as that of any man being marched to the gallows.
Eagerness to improve -- Nonexistent. He says God gave him a talent for slackness, and it would be a sin to abuse that gift by trying to get better.
Cooperation with fellow employees and supervisors -- He spends the better part of each shift plotting against his co-workers and me. The other day he was driving his car around the newsroom trying to run down the assistant news editor (he said he was having "brake problems" and it wasn't his fault), and last week he tried to persuade me to wear an elk costume and join him for a hike in the woods -- on the first day of hunting season.
Work habits -- Deplorable. The man has never come across a task he didn't try to pass off on someone else. Horatio Alger would hire an assassin to kill him and a historian to erase all evidence of his life.
Influence on co-workers -- This year he tricked maintenance workers into putting a "stripper poll" in the newsroom. He then told two of our more attractive female interns that Telegraph tradition demands that they spend the better part of their day gyrating about the poll in barely there outfits. (He favored naughty Catholic schoolgirl attire.) Though this did improve morale briefly, the lawsuits more than canceled out any such gains.
Willingness to accept any type of assignment -- Oh, he accepts most assignments all right. Then he gets somebody else to collaborate with him on the work. He eventually shifts the bulk of the labor to his unfortunate partner while he spends his time on "research." As near as I can tell, his idea of "research" involves either hours of watching Internet pornography or visits to Wayne's Lounge to "get in touch with the common man." And $1.50 highballs. On company time, of course.
Quality of work
Creativity -- He once used Photoshop to create an image of Vice President Cheney passing off national security secrets to one of Zoo Atlanta's giant pandas, which he described as a "foreign agent." Above the photo was a 72-point headline that blared "TREASON IN ATLANTA." He said that would sell more papers than the planned 1A centerpiece about the Forest Hill Road widening. Creative? Yes. Ethical? Not so much.
Ability to work without supervision -- He only works if I stand over him and liberally apply beatings from my swagger stick.
Thoroughness -- I had no idea that the Atlanta Falcons won the World Series in 1995 or that former Saturday Night Live cast member Dan Aykroyd was once governor of Georgia, yet Parnell's section once said so. When told that it was the Braves who won the World Series and that Aykroyd used to impersonate former Gov. Jimmy Carter, Parnell simply said, "Close enough."
Attention to detail -- Misstur Parnell's speling iz not so gud, unforchunitly.
Accuracy -- Like a blind man throwing darts.
Demands on self for quality -- You can't possibly be serious.
Professional standards -- This man looks up to see the underside of a snake.
Quantity of work
Dependability in both routine daily work and in special assignments -- I can always count on him to do as little as possible and do it poorly.
Energy level -- He makes a manatee look like a tornado of activity.
Consistency of performance -- Every day he makes journalism suffer in the same way that he did the day before.
Volume of work -- Enormous ... if he were a church mouse.
Ability to produce under pressure -- The only things he produces under pressure are lame excuses and blame for his co-workers. Otherwise, he just sits staring blankly at his monitor and muttering, "Should have remained a cesspool digger" over and over.
Personal relations
Ability to work well with people at all levels in the division and, where appropriate, in other departments -- People in other departments have declared war on the news desk and demanded reparations when Parnell has come near them.
Effectiveness in dealing with the public -- Security is ordered to shoot him if he comes anywhere near the public.
Willingness to make decisions -- Good, when he knows he can blame the negative consequences on someone else.
Friendliness -- He makes a cobra seem like a sparkling fountain of congeniality.
Leadership -- We stay in the Wild Kingdom. His leadership skills would make a lemming weep.
Primary strengths
Conspiring, whining and uncanny ability to pick the best of his co-workers' dinners from the break room refrigerator and eat it before they know it's gone.
Areas for improvement
The best way he could improve is by becoming a chalk outline on a sidewalk.
Overall performance
As bad as it gets. So let's promote him and be done with it.
My annual employee review resembles nothing so much as a law school lesson about conflicting eyewitness accounts. My boss and I sit not 10 feet from each other, so we both have an upclose view of how I work. Yet whereas I see heroic, selfless toil against long odds, my boss sees, well, a crime. It's almost like he sees a thief who keeps robbing the same kindly Mom-and-Pop corner grocer and complains about declining work ethic when the till is a little light.
Sadly, nothing seems to have changed in the past year. I was able to steal a copy of his evaluation of my work. Read on to find out what kind of hole I have dug for myself.
Attitude toward work
Attendance -- Outstanding. But he knows I have licensed bounty hunters who will track him down and deliver him to me trussed up like a Christmas turkey if needs be.
Enthusiasm -- As good as that of any man being marched to the gallows.
Eagerness to improve -- Nonexistent. He says God gave him a talent for slackness, and it would be a sin to abuse that gift by trying to get better.
Cooperation with fellow employees and supervisors -- He spends the better part of each shift plotting against his co-workers and me. The other day he was driving his car around the newsroom trying to run down the assistant news editor (he said he was having "brake problems" and it wasn't his fault), and last week he tried to persuade me to wear an elk costume and join him for a hike in the woods -- on the first day of hunting season.
Work habits -- Deplorable. The man has never come across a task he didn't try to pass off on someone else. Horatio Alger would hire an assassin to kill him and a historian to erase all evidence of his life.
Influence on co-workers -- This year he tricked maintenance workers into putting a "stripper poll" in the newsroom. He then told two of our more attractive female interns that Telegraph tradition demands that they spend the better part of their day gyrating about the poll in barely there outfits. (He favored naughty Catholic schoolgirl attire.) Though this did improve morale briefly, the lawsuits more than canceled out any such gains.
Willingness to accept any type of assignment -- Oh, he accepts most assignments all right. Then he gets somebody else to collaborate with him on the work. He eventually shifts the bulk of the labor to his unfortunate partner while he spends his time on "research." As near as I can tell, his idea of "research" involves either hours of watching Internet pornography or visits to Wayne's Lounge to "get in touch with the common man." And $1.50 highballs. On company time, of course.
Quality of work
Creativity -- He once used Photoshop to create an image of Vice President Cheney passing off national security secrets to one of Zoo Atlanta's giant pandas, which he described as a "foreign agent." Above the photo was a 72-point headline that blared "TREASON IN ATLANTA." He said that would sell more papers than the planned 1A centerpiece about the Forest Hill Road widening. Creative? Yes. Ethical? Not so much.
Ability to work without supervision -- He only works if I stand over him and liberally apply beatings from my swagger stick.
Thoroughness -- I had no idea that the Atlanta Falcons won the World Series in 1995 or that former Saturday Night Live cast member Dan Aykroyd was once governor of Georgia, yet Parnell's section once said so. When told that it was the Braves who won the World Series and that Aykroyd used to impersonate former Gov. Jimmy Carter, Parnell simply said, "Close enough."
Attention to detail -- Misstur Parnell's speling iz not so gud, unforchunitly.
Accuracy -- Like a blind man throwing darts.
Demands on self for quality -- You can't possibly be serious.
Professional standards -- This man looks up to see the underside of a snake.
Quantity of work
Dependability in both routine daily work and in special assignments -- I can always count on him to do as little as possible and do it poorly.
Energy level -- He makes a manatee look like a tornado of activity.
Consistency of performance -- Every day he makes journalism suffer in the same way that he did the day before.
Volume of work -- Enormous ... if he were a church mouse.
Ability to produce under pressure -- The only things he produces under pressure are lame excuses and blame for his co-workers. Otherwise, he just sits staring blankly at his monitor and muttering, "Should have remained a cesspool digger" over and over.
Personal relations
Ability to work well with people at all levels in the division and, where appropriate, in other departments -- People in other departments have declared war on the news desk and demanded reparations when Parnell has come near them.
Effectiveness in dealing with the public -- Security is ordered to shoot him if he comes anywhere near the public.
Willingness to make decisions -- Good, when he knows he can blame the negative consequences on someone else.
Friendliness -- He makes a cobra seem like a sparkling fountain of congeniality.
Leadership -- We stay in the Wild Kingdom. His leadership skills would make a lemming weep.
Primary strengths
Conspiring, whining and uncanny ability to pick the best of his co-workers' dinners from the break room refrigerator and eat it before they know it's gone.
Areas for improvement
The best way he could improve is by becoming a chalk outline on a sidewalk.
Overall performance
As bad as it gets. So let's promote him and be done with it.
posted by John Parnell at 11:16 AM
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