WITH APOLOGIES TO PUCCINI

Without question, the University of Florida has been on a roll lately. The most conspicuous success has been the championships in football and basketball, but it was something that happened outside of athletics that makes me prouder than ever to be a UF alum. Just when America is in desperate need of a new national catchphrase to distract and amuse us, the Gator Nation rises to the challenge.

And gives us "Don't Tase me, bro!"

Those four monosyllabic words express one of the deepest longings of youth -- to act like a jackass without punitive correction from a Taser -- but they also embrace a universal hunger for freedom and love. Who among us does not wish to avoid being Tased? Who among us does not fear the stigmatizing and isolating consequences of being Tased? Would Juliet have been able to love Romeo had he been Tased when he crashed the Capulet party? Would Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poetry have stirred us so had it been "How would I Tase thee? Let me count the ways"? In time, it wouldn't surprise me in the least to see a young bride at the altar look into her groom's eyes and with lovest purest voice say, "Don't Tase me, bro."

Such a statement cries out for deeper artistic expression, and only one art form can capture the grandeur of the passions engaged: opera. And so I am taking my first stab at writing a libretto. I hope it works.

ACT I

Our story is set in a college town and begins with an argument (Ucciderò quel gatto se defeca ancora sulla mia base -- "I'll kill that cat if it craps on my bed again") between off-campus roommates Riley, the level-headed pre-med student, and Zach, the brooding and rebellious political science major. Just as the two are about to come to blows, another roommate, Calvin, shows up to say he has gambled away the money he was supposed to use to pay the heating bill. Just as Riley and Zach begin to grasp that they face a shivering winter yet before they can turn their wrath upon Calvin, the fourth roommate, Sebastian, enters and says that he knew Calvin was going to screw up paying the heating bill, so he took care of it himself after getting money from his parents (La prima Banca nazionale del mama e del papa è sempre aperta -- "The First National Bank of Mom and Dad is always open"). They decide to celebrate by going down to Ziggy's, their favorite tavern. Zach stays behind to finish an op-ed piece he is writing for the college newspaper and promises to follow soon. As he opens the door to leave, he recoils in alarm and fright upon finding an 8-foot python coiled in front of the door. Hearing him shout, Mimi a student who is stripping her way through college and lives in the apartment above, comes down the stairs. She gathers up the snake and explains that it is part of her act and it must have escaped its cage. Zach is stunned by her beauty, too stunned to say anything before she takes the snake back to her apartment. She returns shortly to apologize for the scare. In an awkward silence Zach and Mimi's eyes lock on each other. He invites her in, and she accepts. In two arias, (Zach's Che gelida manina, ma quel corpo caldo fumante -- "What a cold little hand, but what a smoking hot body" and Mimi's Sì, mi chiamano Mimì, ma tre notti un la settimana sono Desiree Tempesta alla Casa dei Babes -- "Yes, they call me Mimi, but three nights a week I am Desiree Storm at House of Babes") they tell each other about their different lives. Zach's waiting friends call for him, and Zach suggests that she come along. She agrees, and they sing of their newfound love (Duet, birra fredda, allora sesso caldo -- "Cold beer, then hot sex").

ACT II

It is two months later. Mimi sits alone and bored at Ziggy's as Zach is at the bar, passionately defending Eugene Debs to a group of Young Republicans. Mimi sings of her loneliness (Jeez, non un altro causa -- "Jeez, not another cause"). Riley then walks in with Sebastian and a friend of Sebastian. Riley sees Mimi sitting alone in a booth and goes to sit with her as the other two go to speak with Zach. Like Riley, Mimi is a pre-med student. She tells him of how hard it is to balance her schedule (Vita della medicina, vita del ballo del palo -- "Life of medicine, life of pole dancing"). Riley sympathizes, and tells her that her struggles will be made good in time by a highly remunerative salary ($2 milioni all'anno? Quello è duro sorpassare -- "$2 million a year? That's tough to beat"). Mimi begins to see that she might have more in common with Riley than with Zach. Meanwhile, Zach is at the bar deep in conversation with Sebastian's friend Victor. The two of them are discussing a plan to bomb the ROTC offices on campus and foresee themselves as heroes (Non facciamo un errore come Che Guevara ha fatto -- "Let's not screw up like Che Guevara did"). Zach and Victor get up to leave, and Mimi asks Zach where he is going. She tells him that if he leaves her at the bar, they are done. Zach explains that he must go to serve social justice (Se non inizio la rivoluzione, che? -- "If I don't start the revolution, who will?") and storms out. Mimi turns to Riley, and the two see a future together (Una casa alla spiaggia, una casa nelle montagne, una casa nella città -- "A house at the beach, a house in the mountains, a house in the city").

ACT III

Zach and Victor place a ladder against a building to climb into a third-floor window. Zach is having second thoughts about breaking up with Mimi (Si è preoccupata piccolo per la rivoluzione, ma era buona in base --"She cared little for the revolution, but she was good in bed"). But Victor reminds him of the glory that awaits. They climb up the ladder. Once they are in the building, there is a piercing female scream. The building, as it turns out, is not the administration hall but instead a girls' dormitory. There is a clattering sound of people tumbling over furniture, and Zach and Victor scamper down the ladder with coeds' undergarments stuck to their clothes. Zach starts to yell at Victor (Senso piacevole di geografia, voi idiota -- "Nice sense of geography, you idiot") when a campus policeman runs up to investigate the disturbance. He sees the two men with panties and bras hanging from their clothes and accuses them of staging a panty raid. He chases after them and is able to catch Zach, who protests his innocence (Sono un crociato per la giustizia sociale, non un pervertito -- "I am a crusader for social justice, not a pervert"). The policeman is not interested in Zach's protestations and tries to subdue him. Zach begs for mercy to spare him the shame that is reaching to grab him (Non Taserlo, il fratello! -- "Don't Tase me, bro!"). But it is too late. The policeman uses his Taser to stun Zach, who in the distance hears Mimi and Riley singing of getting matching Porsches.

THE END

Of course, that can be changed. We could shift the setting to a college campus during the '60s, which might allow for greater drama. Two romantic rivals, one goes to war, one stays home to protest that war. A young woman with a heart divided. And one really good poster promoting such an opera:

And that's what's opera, doc.

With grateful thanks again to Erin Ivanov for the artwork and Wikipedia for the plot summary of "La Boheme."