THE GAME, PART I
I am a recovering vidiot. I was so hooked on video games in my youth that I must have poured the equivalent of a down payment on a nice house into such games as Missile Command, Stargate and Joust. (And, yes, I realize I am dating myself.) I got hooked on the games because they were killfests. They were two dimensional arenas in which I was a death-dealing hero and defeat only cost me another quarter. So I missed out on the suburban bliss of equity. What is that compared to the awesome body count of Robotron: 2084?
In time, I was able to walk away from video games. Mortal Kombat took things to unreachable heights in terms of violence, plot and profit-taking (the only ways to get better were to buy the instructional book or pump a treasury's worth of money into the machines), and I decided to start wasting money on my great plan to sell tanning products to Eskimos.
But I was never able to completely shake the urge. One of the first things I did after getting my first home computer was load in Myst. One of the next things I did was quit playing Myst, once I realized it demanded monkish servitude just to figure out how to get off the damn island.
For the next 10 years or so, I had little to do with computer games. I would see commercials for the next great, must-have game and shrug. I was a noncombatant in the XBox and Playstation revolution. A reformed man, I instead spent my computer time gazing at pornography.
Yet I broke down again this month and bought Medieval II - Total War. It's a different kettle of fish from what I'm used to, because it demands strategic thinking as well as bloodlust. Its packaging is graced with a scowling knight wearing a crown and a fur-trimmed mantle, so I'm guessing Sega is going for a warrior-king thing here. It's a nice try, but the this battle-hardened sovereign has not a noble mark upon him. There's no hauteur, no chivalry. Mostly, he just looks like a litigator who has been told he's going to have to start his day with decaf.
As befitting a strategy game, there is an exhaustive booklet of instructions about how to play the game. It begins "Hail Commander! Welcome to Medieval II: Total War!" That's nice, but I was hoping for something more along the lines of Genghis Khan: "The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.” And then to have a cold brew with the guys afterward. Or something like that. But "Hail Commander!" is sufficiently flattering and it puts me in a lordly frame of mind.
And what sort of lord and battle leader shall I be? I am told that I can go in one of two directions: I can be a chivalrous (let prisoners go free, be brave in battle, abstain from levying harsh taxes) or dreadful (execute prisoners, exterminate large numbers of people, rule oppressively, force my unfortunate subjects to dress as deer during hunting season). Y'know, maybe I should ... ah, who am I kidding? I'll opt for Curtain No. 2.
It's not that I am by nature a cruel man. It's just that I am a man who would completely trash his principles to get even a whiff of power. I am told that my subjects might rebel if I resort too much to the mailed fist. Well, too bad, ye villains! As I see it, I am their divinely chosen ruler ... OK, maybe just licensed by Sega, but the point is that an entity greater than me has decided that I should rule, and any hint of regicide shall be brutally stamped out until my subjects repent of their crimes or until 24 comes on TV. Our royal person must not be threatened.
This might run counter to the counsel of Lady Gwendolyn, one of two digital advisers included in the game. Lady Gwendolyn's task is to tell me how I should best rule my dominions. I sense a lot of compassionate, huggy sort of suggestions. Lady Gwendolyn is probably going to be a pain in the ass. But I'll bet she has no idea whom she is up against, and I wonder whether her personality will adjust to my excesses. For instance, is she going to pop up at some point thoroughly exasperated and say, "Look, your majesty, I can only say this so many times: It's one thing to behead 'em; it's another to have the headsman sing I Ain't Got Nobody when he displays the heads to the crowd."
(Actually, the game is sort of hard on women. The two main female roles seem to be those of princess and witch. I'll leave it to others to dwell on the psychology behind that dichotomy. Witches stir up trouble in the realm, and princesses are married off to gain allies and so strengthen my holdings. But that also adds to my duties. I am not just general and ruler -- I am also pimp as well. Methinks I should give a certain flava to my battle steed. Y'know, maybe some chrome-plated armor, neon ground effects and a set of grillz for the horse's teeth.)
I'm thinking my first move will be to declare war on a far stronger adversary in hopes of getting a ton of aid under some sort of Marshall Plan. Failing that, I shall send assassins to kill the pope, hoping the audacity gets me somewhere.
But after installing the game, I eagerly tried to begin ... and a dialogue box told me I have to upgrade the graphics card in the computer. So I'll have to get someone from the Geek Squad out here to do my bidding.
And a headsman in case said geek displeases us.
I am a recovering vidiot. I was so hooked on video games in my youth that I must have poured the equivalent of a down payment on a nice house into such games as Missile Command, Stargate and Joust. (And, yes, I realize I am dating myself.) I got hooked on the games because they were killfests. They were two dimensional arenas in which I was a death-dealing hero and defeat only cost me another quarter. So I missed out on the suburban bliss of equity. What is that compared to the awesome body count of Robotron: 2084?
In time, I was able to walk away from video games. Mortal Kombat took things to unreachable heights in terms of violence, plot and profit-taking (the only ways to get better were to buy the instructional book or pump a treasury's worth of money into the machines), and I decided to start wasting money on my great plan to sell tanning products to Eskimos.
But I was never able to completely shake the urge. One of the first things I did after getting my first home computer was load in Myst. One of the next things I did was quit playing Myst, once I realized it demanded monkish servitude just to figure out how to get off the damn island.
For the next 10 years or so, I had little to do with computer games. I would see commercials for the next great, must-have game and shrug. I was a noncombatant in the XBox and Playstation revolution. A reformed man, I instead spent my computer time gazing at pornography.
Yet I broke down again this month and bought Medieval II - Total War. It's a different kettle of fish from what I'm used to, because it demands strategic thinking as well as bloodlust. Its packaging is graced with a scowling knight wearing a crown and a fur-trimmed mantle, so I'm guessing Sega is going for a warrior-king thing here. It's a nice try, but the this battle-hardened sovereign has not a noble mark upon him. There's no hauteur, no chivalry. Mostly, he just looks like a litigator who has been told he's going to have to start his day with decaf.
As befitting a strategy game, there is an exhaustive booklet of instructions about how to play the game. It begins "Hail Commander! Welcome to Medieval II: Total War!" That's nice, but I was hoping for something more along the lines of Genghis Khan: "The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.” And then to have a cold brew with the guys afterward. Or something like that. But "Hail Commander!" is sufficiently flattering and it puts me in a lordly frame of mind.
And what sort of lord and battle leader shall I be? I am told that I can go in one of two directions: I can be a chivalrous (let prisoners go free, be brave in battle, abstain from levying harsh taxes) or dreadful (execute prisoners, exterminate large numbers of people, rule oppressively, force my unfortunate subjects to dress as deer during hunting season). Y'know, maybe I should ... ah, who am I kidding? I'll opt for Curtain No. 2.
It's not that I am by nature a cruel man. It's just that I am a man who would completely trash his principles to get even a whiff of power. I am told that my subjects might rebel if I resort too much to the mailed fist. Well, too bad, ye villains! As I see it, I am their divinely chosen ruler ... OK, maybe just licensed by Sega, but the point is that an entity greater than me has decided that I should rule, and any hint of regicide shall be brutally stamped out until my subjects repent of their crimes or until 24 comes on TV. Our royal person must not be threatened.
This might run counter to the counsel of Lady Gwendolyn, one of two digital advisers included in the game. Lady Gwendolyn's task is to tell me how I should best rule my dominions. I sense a lot of compassionate, huggy sort of suggestions. Lady Gwendolyn is probably going to be a pain in the ass. But I'll bet she has no idea whom she is up against, and I wonder whether her personality will adjust to my excesses. For instance, is she going to pop up at some point thoroughly exasperated and say, "Look, your majesty, I can only say this so many times: It's one thing to behead 'em; it's another to have the headsman sing I Ain't Got Nobody when he displays the heads to the crowd."
(Actually, the game is sort of hard on women. The two main female roles seem to be those of princess and witch. I'll leave it to others to dwell on the psychology behind that dichotomy. Witches stir up trouble in the realm, and princesses are married off to gain allies and so strengthen my holdings. But that also adds to my duties. I am not just general and ruler -- I am also pimp as well. Methinks I should give a certain flava to my battle steed. Y'know, maybe some chrome-plated armor, neon ground effects and a set of grillz for the horse's teeth.)
I'm thinking my first move will be to declare war on a far stronger adversary in hopes of getting a ton of aid under some sort of Marshall Plan. Failing that, I shall send assassins to kill the pope, hoping the audacity gets me somewhere.
But after installing the game, I eagerly tried to begin ... and a dialogue box told me I have to upgrade the graphics card in the computer. So I'll have to get someone from the Geek Squad out here to do my bidding.
And a headsman in case said geek displeases us.
posted by John Parnell at 2:47 PM
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