A SUBSTITUTE

I was hoping to post something that would use several graphics to get the laughs. Unfortunately, Erin Ivanov, the high priestess of Photoshop, has fallen ill. Normally, I would storm over to her loft, drag her to The Telegraph and chain her to her work station until she's all 'Shopped out. But anybody who knows Erin knows that she is hell to tangle with, so I'm falling back on Plan B.

For those of you who can remember The Rockford Files, one of the consistently best and funniest parts of that show was the telephone message at the beginning (My favorite message was, "Is this a machine?! I don't talk to machines!"). Well, my Internet wanderings led me to a site that has several of the messages listed. And here they are:

"Jim, it's John. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and want to repay the $500 I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back." ("Counter Gambit ").

"Billings, L.A.P.D. You know, Thursday is Chapman's twentieth year, and we're giving a little surpirse party at the Captain's. I think you should come. By the way, we need five bucks for the present." ("The Hawaiian Headache")

"Jim, it's Norma at the market. It bounced -- you want us to tear it up, send it back or put it with the others?"..

"Hey, Jimbo, Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. Wanna help on the audit now?" ("Pastoria Prime Pick")..

"Mr. Rockford, Miss Miller of the Bartlet Book Club. 'Great Detectives Of America' is not in stock, so we sent you "Cooking Made Easy." Hope you enjoy it." (In Hazard)..

"Jim, it's Eddie. You were right about Sweet Talk in the seventh. He breezed in, paid $72.50. But I didn't get your bet down." ("Foul On The First Play")..

"Jim, thanks for taking little Billy fishing, he had a great time. Turns out he wasn't even really seasick. Um, have you ever had chicken pox?" ("Drought At Indianhead River")..

"It's Shirley at the Planted Pot. There's just no easy way to tell you this, Jim. We did everything we could. Your fern died." ('Coulter City Wildcats")..

"Jim, I have finally finished twelve long years of pyschotherapy and I'm now able to tell you just what I think of you. Would you please call me?" ('The Gang At Don's Drive-In")..

"That number forty you just picked up from Angelo's Pizza? Some scouring powder fell in there. Don't eat it. Hey, I hope you try your phone machine before dinner." ("The Prisoner Of Rosemont Hall")..

"Jim, this is Andrea at Todd's Food Mart. Listen, there's a guy down here by the name of Angel Martin whose charged $110 worth of groceries to your account. Is that okay with you?" ("A Different Drummer").

"Hey, I saw your ad in the classified. Three African goats for sale. I keep calling and all I get is a machine. Is that a typo in the paper, or what?" ("Quickie Nirvana").

"Hey, am I too late for those African goats? Haven't got the whole three hundred cash, but, like I've got a whole lot of homemade cheese. Maybe we could work something out." ("Irving The Explainer")..

"Jimmy, old buddy, buddy. It's Angel! You know how they allow you one phone call? Well, this is it." ("The Trees, The Bees And T.T. Flowers, Part One")..

"Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?" ("The Trees, The Bees And T.T. Flowers, Part Two")..

"Because of where you live says so much about you, your home has been selected by Royal Imperial Roofing and Siding as our neighborhood showcase. A bonded representative will call on you." ("Deadlock In Parma")