Larry Craig has become the rarest of political figures: a man who would actually benefit from a mistress writing a tell-all about an extramarital affair. But in light of eight -- count 'em, eight -- men coming forward to say they had sex with the Idaho senator, Craig is going to need a lot more than one tattling concubine.

At the very least, he needs to brazenly declare his heterosexuality. He needs to walk into the U.S. Senate and give a speech from the floor while wearing a T-shirt that says "amateur gynecologist" on the front. He needs to be served with papers from a paternity suit while giving that speech.

He needs to make a sex tape with some starlet. He then needs to flood the Internet with it. He needs to hire Monica Lewinsky as a personal assistant. Failing that, he needs to get co-ed intern who likes to wear blue dresses. Then he needs to splash, like, a gallon of white paint on one of those dresses.