THE BIG HELLO
Meeting the parents. It's often one of the first really important milestones in a relationship. It's a moment when lovers begin to look beyond the world they have built together and see themselves sharing in something larger. And it's also a chance to start probing for weaknesses that can be exploited when you and your spouse are running a little short of cash or when your in-laws are just a real pain in the ass.
Meeting the parents is like a job interview: The first impression is critical. You have to read your audience quickly and adjust. If the father of your intended wants to talk about his love of Flaubert and orders Aile de Raie aux Câpres for dinner, it's probably a bad idea to let the words "damn preening frogs" escape your lips -- unless you happen to be near a pond of show-off amphibians. Similarly, if the parents' favorite topic of conversation is Jeff Gordon's rightful place in NASCAR history, it's probably a bad idea to draw comparisons to Jussi Bjorling's spot in opera history (event though his given name sounds like it would be right at home on the Nextel Cup circuit).
For those of you fearful of this moment, set your dread aside. I am here to offer you a few handy tips that will steer you through this difficult passage, and put you that much closer to having another set of parents to sponge off of.
Let's suppose a young man is bringing his girlfriend to meet his parents for dinner at an upscale restaurant. Once all are seated at the table, the action begins:
FATHER: Whoa! Babe alert! I want her!
MOTHER: (Glaring at her husband and hissing venomously) Shut up, honey! (Her head whirls back to look at your girlfriend. Mom's face is contorted momentarily by pure malice before settling into a look of forced politeness and solicitousness) So, my dear, tell us something about yourself. You did say your name was Amanda, didn't you? Or was it Angela? Oh, forgive me! My dear son has had so many girlfriends it's hard to keep track of all of you. Why, just last month one of his former girlfriends was crowned Miss Universe. Miss Universe! Can you believe it?! And then there was his college sweetheart who just became the youngest federal judge in history. But that's all in the past. What is it you do, Anna?
GIRLFRIEND: Well, I --
MOTHER: (In a voice that makes the rafters shake) Just as I thought! You're nothing but a scheming little strumpet bent on marrying into money! Don't think I don't see through you! All you want to do is get your hands on my son's inheritance and then get your hands on a string of Italian lovers! Well, let me tell you, the Brentworth family stands for more than just money. We have been pillars of the community for generations, representatives of a fading sense of honor, dignity and --
FATHER: (Still ogling girlfriend) Grrrr! Womanflesh!
MOTHER: (Not missing a beat) Patronage. You can't buy any of that, and if you think you can just waltz into our family ... well, I see you in hell first!
Clearly, this is a family event that got off the rails pretty fast. So what do you do in this situation or one like it? The solution is so easy a 5-year-old could come up with it. You tellwithh waiter to bring your mother a trough full of martinis and a small animal to dismember. And you ask the hostess whether she would mind bouncing up and down on a pogo stick to entertain your father.
But imagine the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine it's you saying all the wrong things.
YOU: (Eyes flitting indiscreetly from your girlfriend's breasts to her mother's) Mr. Bunsworth, I kinda think that your daughter has your eyes, but I can definitely tell what she got from her mother. Damn! Have you ever compared the racks on both of them? You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking of that scene in Wedding Crashers, you know, the "motorboat" thing ..."
The best way to get out of a bad conversation that you have started is to take your knife and stab your tongue to the table.
The point I'm trying to make is that any meet-the-parents moment can be saved from disaster, and if not that just means you have more free time during football season. If all goes well, you have nothing to worry about.
Until the wedding.
Meeting the parents. It's often one of the first really important milestones in a relationship. It's a moment when lovers begin to look beyond the world they have built together and see themselves sharing in something larger. And it's also a chance to start probing for weaknesses that can be exploited when you and your spouse are running a little short of cash or when your in-laws are just a real pain in the ass.
Meeting the parents is like a job interview: The first impression is critical. You have to read your audience quickly and adjust. If the father of your intended wants to talk about his love of Flaubert and orders Aile de Raie aux Câpres for dinner, it's probably a bad idea to let the words "damn preening frogs" escape your lips -- unless you happen to be near a pond of show-off amphibians. Similarly, if the parents' favorite topic of conversation is Jeff Gordon's rightful place in NASCAR history, it's probably a bad idea to draw comparisons to Jussi Bjorling's spot in opera history (event though his given name sounds like it would be right at home on the Nextel Cup circuit).
For those of you fearful of this moment, set your dread aside. I am here to offer you a few handy tips that will steer you through this difficult passage, and put you that much closer to having another set of parents to sponge off of.
Let's suppose a young man is bringing his girlfriend to meet his parents for dinner at an upscale restaurant. Once all are seated at the table, the action begins:
FATHER: Whoa! Babe alert! I want her!
MOTHER: (Glaring at her husband and hissing venomously) Shut up, honey! (Her head whirls back to look at your girlfriend. Mom's face is contorted momentarily by pure malice before settling into a look of forced politeness and solicitousness) So, my dear, tell us something about yourself. You did say your name was Amanda, didn't you? Or was it Angela? Oh, forgive me! My dear son has had so many girlfriends it's hard to keep track of all of you. Why, just last month one of his former girlfriends was crowned Miss Universe. Miss Universe! Can you believe it?! And then there was his college sweetheart who just became the youngest federal judge in history. But that's all in the past. What is it you do, Anna?
GIRLFRIEND: Well, I --
MOTHER: (In a voice that makes the rafters shake) Just as I thought! You're nothing but a scheming little strumpet bent on marrying into money! Don't think I don't see through you! All you want to do is get your hands on my son's inheritance and then get your hands on a string of Italian lovers! Well, let me tell you, the Brentworth family stands for more than just money. We have been pillars of the community for generations, representatives of a fading sense of honor, dignity and --
FATHER: (Still ogling girlfriend) Grrrr! Womanflesh!
MOTHER: (Not missing a beat) Patronage. You can't buy any of that, and if you think you can just waltz into our family ... well, I see you in hell first!
Clearly, this is a family event that got off the rails pretty fast. So what do you do in this situation or one like it? The solution is so easy a 5-year-old could come up with it. You tellwithh waiter to bring your mother a trough full of martinis and a small animal to dismember. And you ask the hostess whether she would mind bouncing up and down on a pogo stick to entertain your father.
But imagine the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine it's you saying all the wrong things.
YOU: (Eyes flitting indiscreetly from your girlfriend's breasts to her mother's) Mr. Bunsworth, I kinda think that your daughter has your eyes, but I can definitely tell what she got from her mother. Damn! Have you ever compared the racks on both of them? You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking of that scene in Wedding Crashers, you know, the "motorboat" thing ..."
The best way to get out of a bad conversation that you have started is to take your knife and stab your tongue to the table.
The point I'm trying to make is that any meet-the-parents moment can be saved from disaster, and if not that just means you have more free time during football season. If all goes well, you have nothing to worry about.
Until the wedding.
posted by John Parnell at 11:19 PM
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