WAYS TO IMPROVE THE WORLD CUP
1. There should be new rules about what is allowed when teams begin working the clock to preserve a lead. When a team gets a lead in a World Cup game, it sometimes will quit attacking and simply throw up a bunker of players around its own goal, which makes for a verrry boring game. Fans deserve something more for their money. That's why there should be compartments under the field holding ferocious, underfed carnivores (lions, tigers, crocodiles, people on Weight Watchers diets). When the action slows down to an unacceptable level, those beasts will spring forth to feed on the players. Let's see an offense "hold its shape" during that mayhem.
2. The diving has to go. The only thing that would have more flops than a World Cup game would be a J.Lo/Madonna film festival. There's just something so unseemly about grown men using the same histrionics as a 5-year-old trying to get an elder sibling spanked. For heaven's sake, the way these world class athletes thrash about in such apparent agony, you might think they have been struck with the miseries of Job, when in reality they have suffered no more than a stepped-on foot. Well, OK, gamesmanship is part of soccer, but there should be some sort of meaningful penalty. So I say anytime a soccer player has to be carried off the field on a stretcher, he cannot return until he has had a COMPLETE physical in the locker room with a vigorous administration of the prostate exam. And, so the fans don't worry about a star athlete's health, the procedure should be televised through screen-in-screen. If that doesn't work, we bring back Civil War medicine and its grisly emphasis on amputation.
3. Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer would officiate each game. They would not give out yellow and red cards. They would give the black card of doom, a grim and icy stare and sudden, violent death.
4. Specially bred armadillos would replace the conventional soccer ball. The upside here is the suspense of wondering when and how often the little guy will uncurl itself and scamper about the field.
5. If the armadillo thing doesn't work out, FIFA can switch to a gag balls that will explode sometime during the match, leaving one or two hapless players looking like Yosemite Sam after an unfortunate event with explosives.
6. Teams will be allowed to air national grievances against each other before play begins.
7. When a player earns a penalty kick, the other team will be allowed to bargain with him: He can take the penalty kick, or he can have 24 hours of sensual pleasure with a supermodel from the opposing team's nation.
8. When a team earns six corner kicks in one half, it will be allowed the use of a "monster truck" for the rest of the half.
1. There should be new rules about what is allowed when teams begin working the clock to preserve a lead. When a team gets a lead in a World Cup game, it sometimes will quit attacking and simply throw up a bunker of players around its own goal, which makes for a verrry boring game. Fans deserve something more for their money. That's why there should be compartments under the field holding ferocious, underfed carnivores (lions, tigers, crocodiles, people on Weight Watchers diets). When the action slows down to an unacceptable level, those beasts will spring forth to feed on the players. Let's see an offense "hold its shape" during that mayhem.
2. The diving has to go. The only thing that would have more flops than a World Cup game would be a J.Lo/Madonna film festival. There's just something so unseemly about grown men using the same histrionics as a 5-year-old trying to get an elder sibling spanked. For heaven's sake, the way these world class athletes thrash about in such apparent agony, you might think they have been struck with the miseries of Job, when in reality they have suffered no more than a stepped-on foot. Well, OK, gamesmanship is part of soccer, but there should be some sort of meaningful penalty. So I say anytime a soccer player has to be carried off the field on a stretcher, he cannot return until he has had a COMPLETE physical in the locker room with a vigorous administration of the prostate exam. And, so the fans don't worry about a star athlete's health, the procedure should be televised through screen-in-screen. If that doesn't work, we bring back Civil War medicine and its grisly emphasis on amputation.
3. Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer would officiate each game. They would not give out yellow and red cards. They would give the black card of doom, a grim and icy stare and sudden, violent death.
4. Specially bred armadillos would replace the conventional soccer ball. The upside here is the suspense of wondering when and how often the little guy will uncurl itself and scamper about the field.
5. If the armadillo thing doesn't work out, FIFA can switch to a gag balls that will explode sometime during the match, leaving one or two hapless players looking like Yosemite Sam after an unfortunate event with explosives.
6. Teams will be allowed to air national grievances against each other before play begins.
7. When a player earns a penalty kick, the other team will be allowed to bargain with him: He can take the penalty kick, or he can have 24 hours of sensual pleasure with a supermodel from the opposing team's nation.
8. When a team earns six corner kicks in one half, it will be allowed the use of a "monster truck" for the rest of the half.
posted by John Parnell at 10:43 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home