SCOURGE OF THE DANCE

White men should not do booty-shake. Most of us just look confused when we try. And yet each weekend, like lemmings marching to the sea, tame, suburban creatures wander onto dance floors and turn mating rituals into slapstick.

There needs to be a way of stopping these men from trying to unleash the inner satyr before it is too late. Tranquilizer guns are effective but carry too much risk of collateral damage; in trying to trank the dweeb, you may instead hit the hottie who should be dancing until dawn.

So I suggest red card/yellow card penalties for dance floor infractions. For instance, the first time you see a guy dancing like a puppy humping a coffee table leg or thrashing about like a sea otter getting electro-shock therapy, that's a yellow card warning. Next time is a red card and banishment from the club or bar for two weekends.

Or there could be some magic potion brewed to help. Just when Melvin J. Actuary is about to "get down" somebody could run up to him, give him a bottle and say, "Drink this quick! It's your inhibitions!"

Or one could simply resort to a lesson from history: Teddy Roosevelt did not "bust a move" when started work on the Panama Canal, and posterity has been forever grateful.