THE MOST WONDERFUL DAY
I think the first time I went to a wedding on my own I was 16. It was a nice service, but perhaps the most vivid memory I have of it came before the ceremony. As several of us were talking as we sat in the pews, one of our party tried to silence us by pointing out our impertinence. "Would you guys shut up?" he said. "Getting married is something you only do five or six times in your life, so show a little respect!"
That's not the sort of introduction to weddings that makes one tearfully sentimental about the ceremony. So it's no surprise that I never really saw the ceremony as "the most wonderful day of your life." After college, when I was going to a lot of weddings, I saw them as opportunities to party on somebody else's bill. After wedding gifts began seriously denting my bank account, I saw them as minor shakedowns. My gift-giving began to assume a touch of the sullen and cynical: I went from giving things such as linens, which were practical, to things such as knives, plates and crystal, which could be thrown during an argument.
Most of all, weddings began to get on my nerves because they were predictable and familiar. You go into church, sit down, watch a parade of evening wear and the dress, (and let's face it, sometimes the clothes are utterly preposterous), listen to a clergyman tell us that "Love rocks!", listen to a few vows that are statistically dubious, cringe if the vows have been written by the bride and groom, watch an exchange of rings, the kiss, the applause, another parade of finery and then the headlong dash to the bar at the reception. The whole thing is so routine that if you strapped missiles to the backs of the wedding party and had Joe Stalin looking down from the balcony, the ceremony could probably be mistaken for a Soviet May Day parade.
So weddings could use a little more pizzazz, starting with the dress. I don't know of a single woman who became a bride by going on dates wearing a wedding dress. So in the spirit of "ya gotta dance with who brung ya," I see nothing wrong at all with a bride getting married wearing a fire-engine red tube dress, black fishnet stockings and 6-inch stillettoes. And in some cases, the bridal march should be "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No."
Of course, we could only get such a happy beginning if we could dial the pressure on the bride waaay down. Honestly, some of them can get so wound up that a lifetime of therapy would only partially undo the damage suffered on the most wonderful day of their lives. For instance, when my mother was on altar guild, she was helping out with a Big Wedding that featured a high-strung bride who made constant and snippy demands. Though Mom did not put the smackdown on the bride, I'm pretty sure she was hard-pressed not to grab a handful of veil and hair and hiss, "I'm sure you have been fondly imagining this day all your life, dearie,, and I'm almost positive you never imagined yourself waddling up the aisle with your bouquet shoved up your a--, but that's what's going to happen if you say one more word."
Let the brides relax, I say. Let them find a way to stabilize their moods, even if that means five or six stiff shots of stability. I see nothing wrong with a relaxed bride being pushed toward the altar in a wheelbarrow, wearing the dress and sunglasses, gesturing with champagne bottle and greeting the guests warmly: "Hi, hi! Thanks for coming, so glad to see you! You like the dress? It's Versace. Oh, glad you could make it! Thanks!"
The clergy also need to step up their game. The "Love rocks!" part of the service is often a medley of the same bromides and platitudes that always wander onto the altar, shake a finger at the young couple or smile vacantly and then vanish like steam. At this point, most guests are wondering what sort of beer will be at the reception. But if the cleric talked about love and threw in such phrases as "if you know what I mean" and "but not like that," people would be a LOT more attentive.
Since weddings are, like I said, minor shakedowns, there should be some means of subtly reminding the guests that they are expected to bring not just a gift, but a really good gift. So I'm thinking preferential seating for the big givers: bedroom suite in the front, blender in the back, cheese grater in the parking lot. That sort of thing. And the bride could enforce it by greeting each guest before the service by saying, "And what did you bring me?"
Some brides and groom like to invite exes to the wedding, a foolish and potentially disastrous decision. I guess these people are invited to show that the bride or groom is sufficiently evolved to be above the pettiness that can follow a breakup. But I say that any ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend should be given a voodoo doll in the likeness of the bride or groom. If we see any odd twitches or levitating or if the groom starts hitting himself during the vows, the truth will come out.
Oh, I have other ideas, such as the Wagner-themed wedding (bride and bridesmaids dressed as valkyries, groom as Siegfried, groomsmen dressed as trees to represent Teutonic forests) But these ideas should be enough to create a wedding that every woman wants: one that people will talk about for a loooooong time.
I think the first time I went to a wedding on my own I was 16. It was a nice service, but perhaps the most vivid memory I have of it came before the ceremony. As several of us were talking as we sat in the pews, one of our party tried to silence us by pointing out our impertinence. "Would you guys shut up?" he said. "Getting married is something you only do five or six times in your life, so show a little respect!"
That's not the sort of introduction to weddings that makes one tearfully sentimental about the ceremony. So it's no surprise that I never really saw the ceremony as "the most wonderful day of your life." After college, when I was going to a lot of weddings, I saw them as opportunities to party on somebody else's bill. After wedding gifts began seriously denting my bank account, I saw them as minor shakedowns. My gift-giving began to assume a touch of the sullen and cynical: I went from giving things such as linens, which were practical, to things such as knives, plates and crystal, which could be thrown during an argument.
Most of all, weddings began to get on my nerves because they were predictable and familiar. You go into church, sit down, watch a parade of evening wear and the dress, (and let's face it, sometimes the clothes are utterly preposterous), listen to a clergyman tell us that "Love rocks!", listen to a few vows that are statistically dubious, cringe if the vows have been written by the bride and groom, watch an exchange of rings, the kiss, the applause, another parade of finery and then the headlong dash to the bar at the reception. The whole thing is so routine that if you strapped missiles to the backs of the wedding party and had Joe Stalin looking down from the balcony, the ceremony could probably be mistaken for a Soviet May Day parade.
So weddings could use a little more pizzazz, starting with the dress. I don't know of a single woman who became a bride by going on dates wearing a wedding dress. So in the spirit of "ya gotta dance with who brung ya," I see nothing wrong at all with a bride getting married wearing a fire-engine red tube dress, black fishnet stockings and 6-inch stillettoes. And in some cases, the bridal march should be "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No."
Of course, we could only get such a happy beginning if we could dial the pressure on the bride waaay down. Honestly, some of them can get so wound up that a lifetime of therapy would only partially undo the damage suffered on the most wonderful day of their lives. For instance, when my mother was on altar guild, she was helping out with a Big Wedding that featured a high-strung bride who made constant and snippy demands. Though Mom did not put the smackdown on the bride, I'm pretty sure she was hard-pressed not to grab a handful of veil and hair and hiss, "I'm sure you have been fondly imagining this day all your life, dearie,, and I'm almost positive you never imagined yourself waddling up the aisle with your bouquet shoved up your a--, but that's what's going to happen if you say one more word."
Let the brides relax, I say. Let them find a way to stabilize their moods, even if that means five or six stiff shots of stability. I see nothing wrong with a relaxed bride being pushed toward the altar in a wheelbarrow, wearing the dress and sunglasses, gesturing with champagne bottle and greeting the guests warmly: "Hi, hi! Thanks for coming, so glad to see you! You like the dress? It's Versace. Oh, glad you could make it! Thanks!"
The clergy also need to step up their game. The "Love rocks!" part of the service is often a medley of the same bromides and platitudes that always wander onto the altar, shake a finger at the young couple or smile vacantly and then vanish like steam. At this point, most guests are wondering what sort of beer will be at the reception. But if the cleric talked about love and threw in such phrases as "if you know what I mean" and "but not like that," people would be a LOT more attentive.
Since weddings are, like I said, minor shakedowns, there should be some means of subtly reminding the guests that they are expected to bring not just a gift, but a really good gift. So I'm thinking preferential seating for the big givers: bedroom suite in the front, blender in the back, cheese grater in the parking lot. That sort of thing. And the bride could enforce it by greeting each guest before the service by saying, "And what did you bring me?"
Some brides and groom like to invite exes to the wedding, a foolish and potentially disastrous decision. I guess these people are invited to show that the bride or groom is sufficiently evolved to be above the pettiness that can follow a breakup. But I say that any ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend should be given a voodoo doll in the likeness of the bride or groom. If we see any odd twitches or levitating or if the groom starts hitting himself during the vows, the truth will come out.
Oh, I have other ideas, such as the Wagner-themed wedding (bride and bridesmaids dressed as valkyries, groom as Siegfried, groomsmen dressed as trees to represent Teutonic forests) But these ideas should be enough to create a wedding that every woman wants: one that people will talk about for a loooooong time.
posted by John Parnell at 9:59 PM
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