VALENTINE'S DAY
No other holiday arouses such scorn as Valentine's Day, and rightfully so. Its proper symbol is not some pre-diabetic winged infant but instead the scheming fortune hunter, an oily ne'er-do-well who beguiles us out of our money and happiness with false promises of romance. By the time the day is past, some of us have been reminded of our loneliness, some have discovered that they have unsuitable partners and some have put on about 10 pounds eating chocolate. But I think most of us are so pissed off or disillusioned that we might realize that maybe Al Capone was on to something in the way he celebrated the day.
Still, the day is there -- erupting red, heart-shaped balloons that proclaim "you're still the one!" and other lyrics from wretched '70s songs -- and it must be celebrated. But how? Well, by buying something; Discover says that men spend an average of $128 on Valentine's Day. But what to buy?
So I went to the mall to see just what the merchants were peddling. The ones in the kiosks were selling Teddy Bears; lots and lots of Teddy Bears that offered more kitsch than cute. These are the bottom-feeders of Valentine's Day gifts, the ones that show a guy remembered to get his sweetie something but didn't let it cut in too much into xBox time. These bears are just about completely useless -- no woman in her right mind is going to give it up because of a Teddy Bear -- but they do have one redeeming virtue: When that moment comes that you have pushed your girlfriend to the breaking point and she wants to turn your guts into a souffle, she will focus her rage on the Teddy Bear instead. Better that its synthetic innards be strewn about her apartment rather than your intestines.
At the other end of the spectrum were the jewelry stores. Nothing says "I love you" quite like diamonds. Even a mere $100 purchase says "I love you enough that I will put off buying that copy of Blonde Fury: The Invasion of the Psycho Nymphs computer game for at least a week or so." And a more substantial purchase will assure her that you won't have enough money for the strip bars for quite awhile, which will make her even more happy. Yes, diamonds are the best way to go. Besides, most jewelry stores offer a 90-day money back guarantee on all purchases. The sellers know that the diamonds will last forever, even if the love won't.
Then there's Spencer's Gifts, a store that reduces Valentine's Day to its core: sex -- demystified, trivialized sex. At the front of the store was a display rack featuring all sorts of novelties, but two stood out. The first was a chocolate strip checkers board game. Its purpose was to throw a different flavor into foreplay as each winning move allows one to eat chocolate and watch his/her partner disrobe. Sounds naughty and exciting, no? Well, turning foreplay into a game is a huge mistake, especially with Type A people. Some people won't concede defeat under any circumstances and will insist on best two out of three instead of making with the passion. Trust me, lean on this game and you might not wind up having sex. You're just going to be playing checkers.
The second eye-catching novelty was a man's guide to performing oral sex on a woman. "Make her scream like she never has before!" the packaging blared. Well, gee whiz, that's not too hard. Any guy can make his girlfriend "scream as never before" by blowing off her birthday to go to Wrestlemania with the guys. Or by saying, "Well, I've been banging your little sister now for about a month ..."
But off to the side was something that left me agog: A book titled "Cookie Sutra." In it, the sexually adventurous reader could find the positions of the Kama Sutra depicted by gingerbread characters. This is so wrong on so many levels I just don't know where to begin.
Perhaps the mall, however, is not the best place to find that special gift for that special someone. For instance, there are flight services that offer airborne amours for those who find the bedroom too pedestrian. Specially designed cabins that offer the ambiance of a New Orleans cathouse and discreet pilots will take willing lovers aloft for a ride in the clouds that will be truly memorable. But this is fraught with peril, and not just from the pilot mixing too much booze with his LSD. Imagine the following scene: A man and a woman lying on the bed in the back of a small plane. He's got a ridiculous leer on his face, and she has the look of all-too-familiar disappointment. "Ah, Bruno," she says, "again we wind up in the same dismal place: you, sated from our all-too-brief tryst; me, mired in frustration. Perhaps I have not clearly told you what my needs are, perhaps I have not been emphatic enough. But now I will be as clear as I possibly can be." At this point she opens the cabin door and pushes the unfortunate Bruno out the door, shouting, "I think our relationship needs to go in a different direction, you loser!"
Wondering about buying an article of clothing for your honey? Fortunately, you have the AskMen.com Web site to turn to, where you can find this nugget: Another fashionable gift is a sexy dress she can wear for the Valentine's Day dinner. Keep it sexual by insisting that she leave her underwear at home. OK, player, let's think about this one. You are going to demand that your girlfriend go commando during the depths of winter. Sure, she might be remarkably complaisant and fulfill your fantasy. But she will remember that you took a romantic holiday and turned it into something resembling the frigid misery found in One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. You will pay for that. Oh, yes, you will pay.
So perhaps the easiest thing to do is stick with the basics: Flowers and chocolates. After all, I've never heard of a man suffering a concussion from a bouquet of roses.
No other holiday arouses such scorn as Valentine's Day, and rightfully so. Its proper symbol is not some pre-diabetic winged infant but instead the scheming fortune hunter, an oily ne'er-do-well who beguiles us out of our money and happiness with false promises of romance. By the time the day is past, some of us have been reminded of our loneliness, some have discovered that they have unsuitable partners and some have put on about 10 pounds eating chocolate. But I think most of us are so pissed off or disillusioned that we might realize that maybe Al Capone was on to something in the way he celebrated the day.
Still, the day is there -- erupting red, heart-shaped balloons that proclaim "you're still the one!" and other lyrics from wretched '70s songs -- and it must be celebrated. But how? Well, by buying something; Discover says that men spend an average of $128 on Valentine's Day. But what to buy?
So I went to the mall to see just what the merchants were peddling. The ones in the kiosks were selling Teddy Bears; lots and lots of Teddy Bears that offered more kitsch than cute. These are the bottom-feeders of Valentine's Day gifts, the ones that show a guy remembered to get his sweetie something but didn't let it cut in too much into xBox time. These bears are just about completely useless -- no woman in her right mind is going to give it up because of a Teddy Bear -- but they do have one redeeming virtue: When that moment comes that you have pushed your girlfriend to the breaking point and she wants to turn your guts into a souffle, she will focus her rage on the Teddy Bear instead. Better that its synthetic innards be strewn about her apartment rather than your intestines.
At the other end of the spectrum were the jewelry stores. Nothing says "I love you" quite like diamonds. Even a mere $100 purchase says "I love you enough that I will put off buying that copy of Blonde Fury: The Invasion of the Psycho Nymphs computer game for at least a week or so." And a more substantial purchase will assure her that you won't have enough money for the strip bars for quite awhile, which will make her even more happy. Yes, diamonds are the best way to go. Besides, most jewelry stores offer a 90-day money back guarantee on all purchases. The sellers know that the diamonds will last forever, even if the love won't.
Then there's Spencer's Gifts, a store that reduces Valentine's Day to its core: sex -- demystified, trivialized sex. At the front of the store was a display rack featuring all sorts of novelties, but two stood out. The first was a chocolate strip checkers board game. Its purpose was to throw a different flavor into foreplay as each winning move allows one to eat chocolate and watch his/her partner disrobe. Sounds naughty and exciting, no? Well, turning foreplay into a game is a huge mistake, especially with Type A people. Some people won't concede defeat under any circumstances and will insist on best two out of three instead of making with the passion. Trust me, lean on this game and you might not wind up having sex. You're just going to be playing checkers.
The second eye-catching novelty was a man's guide to performing oral sex on a woman. "Make her scream like she never has before!" the packaging blared. Well, gee whiz, that's not too hard. Any guy can make his girlfriend "scream as never before" by blowing off her birthday to go to Wrestlemania with the guys. Or by saying, "Well, I've been banging your little sister now for about a month ..."
But off to the side was something that left me agog: A book titled "Cookie Sutra." In it, the sexually adventurous reader could find the positions of the Kama Sutra depicted by gingerbread characters. This is so wrong on so many levels I just don't know where to begin.
Perhaps the mall, however, is not the best place to find that special gift for that special someone. For instance, there are flight services that offer airborne amours for those who find the bedroom too pedestrian. Specially designed cabins that offer the ambiance of a New Orleans cathouse and discreet pilots will take willing lovers aloft for a ride in the clouds that will be truly memorable. But this is fraught with peril, and not just from the pilot mixing too much booze with his LSD. Imagine the following scene: A man and a woman lying on the bed in the back of a small plane. He's got a ridiculous leer on his face, and she has the look of all-too-familiar disappointment. "Ah, Bruno," she says, "again we wind up in the same dismal place: you, sated from our all-too-brief tryst; me, mired in frustration. Perhaps I have not clearly told you what my needs are, perhaps I have not been emphatic enough. But now I will be as clear as I possibly can be." At this point she opens the cabin door and pushes the unfortunate Bruno out the door, shouting, "I think our relationship needs to go in a different direction, you loser!"
Wondering about buying an article of clothing for your honey? Fortunately, you have the AskMen.com Web site to turn to, where you can find this nugget: Another fashionable gift is a sexy dress she can wear for the Valentine's Day dinner. Keep it sexual by insisting that she leave her underwear at home. OK, player, let's think about this one. You are going to demand that your girlfriend go commando during the depths of winter. Sure, she might be remarkably complaisant and fulfill your fantasy. But she will remember that you took a romantic holiday and turned it into something resembling the frigid misery found in One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. You will pay for that. Oh, yes, you will pay.
So perhaps the easiest thing to do is stick with the basics: Flowers and chocolates. After all, I've never heard of a man suffering a concussion from a bouquet of roses.
posted by John Parnell at 9:24 AM
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